Workers of the world unite, all you have to lose is your chains!

I like shopping, anyone who knows me knows that i like nothing more than to have a good old mooch around the shops to see if I can pick up and item of loveliness at a snip of a price but this is ruined if I can't get anywhere near the shops because it's clogged up with shopping amateurs. So what I'm suggesting in my new manifesto is this,

'Pensioners, children unaccompanied by adults and umemployed people are not allowed to enter the town centre during the weekend between the hours of 8am and 6pm.'

 

Pesioners to be fair don't really go to town on a weekend but when they do they cause chaos. They insist on queuing for things and then promptly forget what it was they wanted by the time they get to the front of the queue. When they bump into other old people they can bring a busy supermarket to a complete standstill recounting stories of the weeks freshly deceased and how Chris and Michelle have split up and it's those girls I feel sorry for. Also being run over by a mobility scooter hurts so this should reduce the number of those shin bruisers considerably. Old people have all week to go to town, they can talk as much inane bollocks as they like on a Tuesday as everyone who has a job is busy saving the economy from complete colapse. Besides anything that stops me from having to listen to old people having no patience and being rude at what seems to be every opportunity can surely only be a good thing.

Young people can be just as much of a annoyance. The towncentre is no place for skateboards, Cwmbran is not Hill Valley! Marty McFly is not going to be seen clinging to the back of the X23 around the one way system. Keep extreme sports from our towncentres. You pray that young people enbrace some kind of physical exertion, that they might desire to remove their gaze from some sort of screened device just for one second and when they finally do they choose to do it between the bank and Starbucks threatening at every point to send you on your arse. They don't spend any money because they have no money and when they do all they do is pester adults to buy booze and fags for them so that will be eradicated with this new move. Go to the park, go to a sports field, go to I don't know....um...THE SKATE PARK! Hang around with other similarly threatening, pore blocked, black hoodied emo weirdos and leave the rest of us to shop without anxiety. I thought being down with the kids meant understanding them not sharing the same mental health issues.

 

My major bug bear is when town is full of jobless wonders wondering into town spending their free money on things I might want to buy and just smelling and getting in the way. I understand that they might need to sell all their possessions to the evil man in cash generator for 30p. Cash generator is brilliant! I'd love to have seen the goverment try to make some money to pay of the national defecit selling things in cash generator, "I can give you £40 pounds health minister for this 2009 MRI Scanner and you can buy it back for £54 in the next 28 days." Brilliant! Sorry, became distracted. If you have no job how have you got so much money to spend? You have all the time in the world in the midweek. O.k so you've got to keep coming up with reasons why you can't work and that must be difficult surely if you applied yourself in the same way you'd end up with a job in government. Lowering your golf handicap must also take up quite alot of time and watching Jeremy Kyle is fairly time consuming but I'm sure ITV4 could put an omnibus on on a weekend and you all set to see your relatives and intelectual equals at their best! The town centres would be a wonderful place for people who have to work all week to use without struggling to find a parking space and then be impeeded at every turn by people who could have came any other day of their life. The shopping utopia would be born. The weekend was designed so that people who work all week could relax before the hell of Monday arrives, let that be what it's for again.

All we need to do now is get the banks to open when people can actually use them and we'd be sorted, fat chance!