Clotted Scream

Right people I've just heard some of the most ridiculous racism ever. Whilst listening to radio five live, Nicky Campbell, on a call in about immigration a caller from Cornwall said:

"It's the immigrants taking the minor jobs that is driving up the house prices in Cornwall making it difficult for the people born in Cornwall to buy houses. My son is eighteen and he has been unable to get a job in a bar or restaurant or even stacking shelves because people from eastern Europe have taken all the jobs."

I love a screaming generalisations, all scousers are thieves, all men from Brighton are gay, all welsh people shag sheep etc, but what I heard from the this caller almost made me fall from my high horse.

Cornwall I believe to be the most boring place in the whole of the British isles bar none. Even when you drive to Scotland you see the Scotland sign and then Scottish places begin to appear in front of you. You have numerous places to visit and it's very Scottish. Cornwall you drive for hours to get there then drive for hours more to get to anything. The drive itself takes twice as long because because you almost certainly get stuck behind a VW camper with a bumper sticker 'Air cooled rules'. No, air cooled means slow, if your having a crap day in work when the day is dragging even though you been for a chat to other people in the office made drinks for everyone and hidden in the toilets just for something to do and someone asks you how your day is going reply, air cooled. If not a camper then a caravan, ridicule for caravans is copyrighted by Top Gear, the most repetitive programme (Clarksonesque).......in the world!

 

So you've finally got their and your starting to worry about where you are going to buy petrol for the return journey when you suddenly realise.......you can't surf! Body boarding was a way of surf board manufacturers to make revenue from fat people or those with poor balance once they realised that they can't surf. The whole of Cornwall is pretty much tourism it's not industrialised at all. All they make is clotted cream, fudge and pasties. None of which you can eat if you want to fit in that wet suit you bought because you can't go in the sea because the water is so cold your testicles have retracted into you lungs and it's affected you breathing. So being a tourist area the jobs are all in hospitality. The Brits don't do hospitality, we are rubbish at it, so surely it's better to get foreign people to do it so that we at least get good service if we have to stay in this hell hole at the back of oblivion or just past Yeovil as it's known. The others jobs are service jobs, cleaning hotel rooms and making beds etc. Not really something you associate with 18 year old boys really is it and they just wouldn't do it.

The reason why houses prices are high is because the rich of the rest of Britain thought that it might be nice to buy a house somewhere that justified getting there by helicopter, mainly because the drive took an eternity! So all the best properties that aren't hotels are owned by people from London wanting to get away from the hustle and bustle of civilisation, and the house prices grew as it became a more desirable place to live. The problem is that lazy dole scrounging people are unable to move from there council properties and move to where the work is. The world is smaller now than it has ever been but moving to where you could be needed is harder than it has ever been. 3o years ago my father moved from the north west to south wales because the labour market had collapsed and jobs on Merseyside where hard to come by. SO WE MOVED! I don't think he really wanted to move, I don't think my mum really wanted to move but that was what he had to do to find work. Now he drives nearly an hour a day to get to work, he does it because that's what he needs to do to support his family and have an occupation. A hundred odd years ago people moved from all over the country to Merthyr because it was the industrial capital of the world at the time. Back then you needed a job or you starved so you moved, now your dole will cover you food, drink, fags, sky+,dental work and foreign holidays so your better off lowering you golf handicap than getting of you clotted cream, fudge and pastie arse. You aren't allowed to swap your council house to other areas of the country and yes this is a problem but again people have done it, the person with a job could go first and wait several months before the rest of the family come to the area, yes it will be difficult but ultimately worth it in the end.

We must stop this endless attack on people who are doing what we all did once which was move to where the work is. the people who have the problem with immigration are the people who are causing it. If people where prepared to do the work that people from Poland or wherever will do then they wouldn't come here because there wouldn't be any jobs, they would be taken by the people who live here already. Also our emigration massively exceeds our immigration this is proven by the fact that i have never been to a Polish theme bar in Ireland, or Spain or Greece or every country in the world.

Wagons east Cornwall, wagons east! 

When will we ever learn?

It's that time of year again when every newspaper, news website and television news dust off last years story that exams are getting easier. It's the last chance you have to be a proper student, 'student' meaning that you all compete on a level playing field where everyone is aiming at the same standard pretty much, A Levels. So from sixteen onwards you slog your guts out trying to get as good grades as you possibly can amongst the backdrop of being:

• An employment pariah: I mean really who wants to be served in a shop by someone aged 17 studying for 3 A levels when you can be served badly by someone aged 18 with six months experience studying nail and beauty care but dropped out of the course as they found it too taxing. So from 16-18 your pretty much skint.
• Emotionally disabled: Everything is difficult when you are a teenager as everything you do has a consequence from how much effort you place on your studies to the type of laces you have in your designer trainers. The teenage world has an opinion of what is cool and what is not. Once you get to uni this disappears because uni is full of everyone trying to be individual and in turn overly eccentric and sometimes just plain weird. e.g being weird in uni gets you friends, being weird in school gets you beaten up and bullied.
• Relationships: Anyone who had a relationship during their teenage years will know this is train wreck!

Given all this you spend your time studying for your A Levels. The pressure is on because these are the most important exams you will ever do.....well since the last ones you did...........or the next ones you'll do. Then that day in August comes and the results come through.......... Yessss!! 9 A*! YOU'RE A GENIUS.

Except, no. The world turns around and says that exams are easier, that in fact even though you know much more about everything in the world than your father and your grandad you are in fact educationally subnormal. This doesn't happen in any other field. We don't line the streets honouring our war dead from Afghanistan saying yes they gave their life but war these days is much easier than it used to be. Perhaps we only have a 30 second silence based upon the level of difficulty you faced in dying for you country.

the news tells us that exams are easier, that all children are stupid and that all university courses are in pointless topics, might have a point there but that's a whole other rant. So you spend all day on the phone to desperately trying to see if your 9 A*s can get you into a university you've never heard of, in fact you where fairly sure it was a leisure centre the last time you looked, to get you on your seventh choice course of Jedi Knightism or the Science of Glee. You have no choice to accept the course, the fees and the student debt until you die because there are no jobs! Only rich people went to university in the past to be a doctor or a research scientist now everyone goes otherwise it would mess with the unemployment figures. So being good at something because you are interested or have a natural talent for it or a willingness to learn that trade from the bottom up has gone and has been replaced by a degree which qualifies you to be able to do nothing.

Then just when things couldn't be more depressing for the world of A level students, one dies. A group will have gone out and rolled their Saxo through a hedge sideways because nothing celebrates having three more years to go out socialising and drinking than going out socialising and drinking and the tragedy will be that they would have got the best results in the whole history of the school/college. It's o.k, as long as somebody remembers to mention during the eulogy that dying it just so much more easy these days.

Workers of the world unite, all you have to lose is your chains!

I like shopping, anyone who knows me knows that i like nothing more than to have a good old mooch around the shops to see if I can pick up and item of loveliness at a snip of a price but this is ruined if I can't get anywhere near the shops because it's clogged up with shopping amateurs. So what I'm suggesting in my new manifesto is this,

'Pensioners, children unaccompanied by adults and umemployed people are not allowed to enter the town centre during the weekend between the hours of 8am and 6pm.'

 

Pesioners to be fair don't really go to town on a weekend but when they do they cause chaos. They insist on queuing for things and then promptly forget what it was they wanted by the time they get to the front of the queue. When they bump into other old people they can bring a busy supermarket to a complete standstill recounting stories of the weeks freshly deceased and how Chris and Michelle have split up and it's those girls I feel sorry for. Also being run over by a mobility scooter hurts so this should reduce the number of those shin bruisers considerably. Old people have all week to go to town, they can talk as much inane bollocks as they like on a Tuesday as everyone who has a job is busy saving the economy from complete colapse. Besides anything that stops me from having to listen to old people having no patience and being rude at what seems to be every opportunity can surely only be a good thing.

Young people can be just as much of a annoyance. The towncentre is no place for skateboards, Cwmbran is not Hill Valley! Marty McFly is not going to be seen clinging to the back of the X23 around the one way system. Keep extreme sports from our towncentres. You pray that young people enbrace some kind of physical exertion, that they might desire to remove their gaze from some sort of screened device just for one second and when they finally do they choose to do it between the bank and Starbucks threatening at every point to send you on your arse. They don't spend any money because they have no money and when they do all they do is pester adults to buy booze and fags for them so that will be eradicated with this new move. Go to the park, go to a sports field, go to I don't know....um...THE SKATE PARK! Hang around with other similarly threatening, pore blocked, black hoodied emo weirdos and leave the rest of us to shop without anxiety. I thought being down with the kids meant understanding them not sharing the same mental health issues.

 

My major bug bear is when town is full of jobless wonders wondering into town spending their free money on things I might want to buy and just smelling and getting in the way. I understand that they might need to sell all their possessions to the evil man in cash generator for 30p. Cash generator is brilliant! I'd love to have seen the goverment try to make some money to pay of the national defecit selling things in cash generator, "I can give you £40 pounds health minister for this 2009 MRI Scanner and you can buy it back for £54 in the next 28 days." Brilliant! Sorry, became distracted. If you have no job how have you got so much money to spend? You have all the time in the world in the midweek. O.k so you've got to keep coming up with reasons why you can't work and that must be difficult surely if you applied yourself in the same way you'd end up with a job in government. Lowering your golf handicap must also take up quite alot of time and watching Jeremy Kyle is fairly time consuming but I'm sure ITV4 could put an omnibus on on a weekend and you all set to see your relatives and intelectual equals at their best! The town centres would be a wonderful place for people who have to work all week to use without struggling to find a parking space and then be impeeded at every turn by people who could have came any other day of their life. The shopping utopia would be born. The weekend was designed so that people who work all week could relax before the hell of Monday arrives, let that be what it's for again.

All we need to do now is get the banks to open when people can actually use them and we'd be sorted, fat chance!

If you can't stand the heat, DON'T GO IN THE HEAT!

The world of competition Sauna, yes people Sauna, is mourning today. The world sauna championships held in Heinola Finland ended in tragedy on Saturday as Russian hopeful Vladimir Ladyzhensky (left) died in the final.

Little did he know when he packed his sports bag that morning with his towel and tiny Speedo swimming trunks that that days spa would be his last. Vladimir, an amateur wrestler by day, collapsed after six minutes of the final with reigning world champion, Timo Kaukonen, also being rescued from the 'Timber Room of Terror'. 1000 stunned spectators, Sauna fans presumably, watched in horror as the two men where worked upon by the emergency services after they had been exposed to searing temperatures reaching 110°C. Ladyzhensky died at the scene whilst Kaukonen is still recovering in hospital. A spokesman for the city of Heinola, where the nationally televised event has been held since 1999, said it would never be staged again. This year 135 male and female competitors from 15 countries took part. Vladimir will be held in high a steam esteem like other great sportsmen and women who have died doing the sport they love.

Is Finland trying to mask it's alarming suicide rates? Are we allowed to do things that are blatantly stupid. If you or I had see this going on at our local gym, or leisure centre for those of you who like to smell poorer peoples sweat, I'd like to think we would stop it before someone gets hurt. Or I think we may have mentioned it in passing to the 19 year old lad in white trainers, navy shorts and red polo shirt who armed with his I.D badge may dispense the nonsensical crowd of steam freaks with a loud blast of his 'I'm the responsible person here because I have this whistle' whistle. What next, The how long can you leave your face over a boiling kettle matchplay brought to you by Tefal or How many fingers can you put in a socket before your heart fails invitational sponsored by Powergen. I know all sport is somewhat pointless as being a Tranmere Rovers supporter I'm reminded of this on a daily basis but this is just mental! This was on television! What are we trying to prove as human beings? I'm the first to believe that if stupid people feel the need to endanger their lives and thus improve the intellectual concentration of the worlds gene pool then fine but this is just wrong, even the haircuts are offensive! Why can't these people volunteer for human drug trials if they plan on potentially damaging themselves and give something back to society and the human race.

This on the same day as Dr.Karen Woo was a number of people killed in Afghanistan. Karen was working with a Christian charity, providing healthcare in remote villages in the north-east of Afghanistan.

Only in America........Thankfully.

Every now and then you hear a story that makes you check that April didn't sneakily dawn upon you during the night. Today was one of those days. A US appeals court has ruled a couple who gave their children Nazi-inspired names should not regain custody, citing the risk of serious injury to them.

Adolf Hitler Campbell, 4, and his sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, 3, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie, 2, were taken from their New Jersey home in 2009. Michael McIntyre jokes about calling his son Adolf just to see peoples reaction, this couple only went and did it. I mean if you where to call your son Adolf it's inadvisable at best but essentially Adolf is just name. A name of a chap who got a bit gnarly in the 30's and there was some kind of tension, I'm not entirely sure of the whole to-do but that's the basic gist as far as my GCSE education carries me. But to name him Adolf Hitler Campbell, presumably after Alistair Campbell as they thought that just Adolf Hitler on it's own didn't carry enough menace, is clearly taking the biscuit, the barrel and the whole Burton's factory. O.k we accept that some people in the world have extreme right wing views and because we live in a free thinking and democratic nation we allow these people to have a voice so that there insane rantings and racist, homophobic and  anti Semitic beliefs are shown up for what they are......wrong. By not letting them have that voice we drive the problem underground making it more attractive to those unhinged few in society that like a good ethnic cleanse.

The children's parents may be the best Mum and Dad in the whole fatherland world but they have damaged the children having any kind of normal childhood by insisting on calling them these names. How can poor Adolf survive school with a name associated with hatred. Just listening to the register would be haunting. The poor might wouldn't be able to raise his hand to answer a question without people thinking he was making the Nazi salute. If he joined the debating team it might end up like Nuremberg. Then how would he get a date for the prom? He'd be all dressed up in his finest suit, brown presumably, with nowhere to go. What's he going to do for a living when he leaves school? Gas Engineer? Adolf Hitler Campbell, Corgi registered on the side of a van. Doctor? Not really. Politician? Unwise. He's not going to have an easy life because his folks are mental, a bit more mental than all of ours.

 Right I'm of out with my boys, Genghis and Herod, to check out a new oven. (Cooking Oven)

It's all been done.

The world is running out of new ideas. This can be the only explanation for it. The A Team is the latest offering from the people who regurgitated the Karate Kid, Batman, Transformers and the everything else seen on our screens over the last twelve months. As a race we seem to be completely devoid of creating anything truly original, so "I pity the fool" and the gang are rolled out like the emperors new clothes. I mean are these remakes actually any good or are they just available. I understand that you can now add to the experience with special effects, CGI and the like but what's new? What is remaking Karate Kid for apart from making money? No special effects to speak of, you can't tell me you need green screen technology to wax on or wax off. In some cases they have remade films twice in quick succession like The Incredible Hulk. The Eric Bana version was poor but the Edward Norton movie was pointless, you'd just made the film so lets leave it a while hey before we ruin another franchise again. That's the key, lots of these movies are franchises. Franchises give us lots of things, great coffee, flamed grilled burgers, an extra free pizza on a Tuesday but mainly the comfort of knowing what is to come. That's not what i want from my films! It's a film not a meatball maronara sub! If this is the case put on what ever the highest grossing film of all time every week. Walk into your local cinema like you do your local Chinese and see what's on the menu. Talk to your loving partner and decide to have the same as you always have because you know it's nice. "Let's watch Titanic again like last week sweetie, maybe this time the iceberg will float right by."

This wouldn't be made all the more grating if at the start of every film the distributor tells you......Piracy is copyright theft! You wouldn't steal a handbag? No, no i wouldn't but then again I wouldn't steal the whole idea of a film and palm it off as something new.

In the age of the Internet everyone is writing, creating, thinking and formulating all the time. Some of this must be good, obviously most of it is complete bollocks with a big fat wedge of voyeurism but some of it will be good and a little less will be original and brilliant. The original and brilliant is what I want to see not 'Harry Potter and the over exhausted plot' or the possibly terrifying remake of Police Academy.

Embrace the new! Creativity is king! Worst case scenario read a book, there are billions of great books that have yet to be tainted by the evil stain of Hollywood.

Right, I'm off to steal a handbag.....